First Sunday in church after having Hannah. did pretty good I think, it was a good service and I got to see all my friends and show off baby.
I'm thinking I might have a little bit of post pardum. not to the point were I don't want to care for my kids. but just feeling down and crying for no reason. (a lot of u have probably already had that thought, after reading the last few posts.) I'm not OK with this. I have always been able to get over depression and anxiety pretty quickly . but this time I just can't seem to shake it. I'm trying, don't get me wrong. it's helpful to have the hubby home but at the same time I think if he would just go to work I could get through this better and faster. I keep thinking that him being home is just mentally inablibing me to stay down. IDK I just keep thinking and thinking and thinking and I can't get my mind to shut off and then I start to stress and then I cry and then the kids need something and that just seems to make me cry more. I have been told that a friend of mine has volunteered to take the kids when I need them to. I might be taking them up on that this week. well time to start my brain to figure out lunch.
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well, today started off as a highly stress filled day , we got up at 730 am fed baby, got dressed and went to the doctor to get her biliruben levels. we got there and the orders had not been sent. so I spent an HR on the phone with doctors to get the orders resent. we finally got the orders sent and her blood checked in just enough time to get home and clean house for the family to come over.
it ended up being a really nice day with family even with all the stress of Hannah being sick. the doctor called and we get to take the light off of Hannah tomorrow and then on Sat we get levels checked again and then Monday we go to the Midwife and Tues day we go to the Dr and the lactation consultant again. and hopfuly we will be done for a while. I'm so greatful for the family and friends that God has blessed me with. my Family is so supportive and understanding. and my friends all know me well enough to know when I need help even I am to tired or proud to ask for it. my son tried to walk today he took one step and then fell but I'm so happy he is trying. and my three year old only got into trouble once today. I know this is s a shirt post tonight but I'm so happy and tired I don't have much left to type today. Happy Thanksgiving everyone!!!!!!! well, thanksgiving plans got changed at the last minute. Hannah started to gain weight (Yay!) but she also got more jaundiced. so today we started her on a bili-blanket. so for now she is a little glow worm. we go back in tomorrow morning to get her levels checked again. I'm hoping that she will be fine by tomorrow morning. cause I don't know how much more I can handle.
I know that God only gives us what we can handle with his help. but I feel like he must think I'm pretty flippen strong. I literally spent the day crying and screaming at God for giving me to much and at my kids for driving me nuts. don't worry I apologized to the kids for being crabby today. and they went to sleep on good terms with mommy. I guess I just feel like this (her being jaundiced) is somehow my fault. like if I had been better at nursing the other two I would have been better this time and then she would be able to eat better and then she wouldn't have lost so much weight and then she wouldn't be sick. and then she wouldn't be under the light and then we wouldn't have had to change plans and then we would all be up at my moms. I feel like moving thanksgiving to my house is going to make the family upset with me. we always have to change things and it always seems to be because of me or my little family. I hear all my family and friends telling me to be happy and to not worry and that everything will. be fine but at the same time I just don't feel it. I guess this is what it feels like to fight off depression!............ well, my normal baby night mare has begun again. yes this time I made it full term with my baby. but she has lost to much weight just lake her brother did. and she is having to got to the Dr today and tomorrow cause sheis to yellow and not eating enough. so I finally went to a lactation consultant today and we discovered that Hannah just has a small tummy so she gets to full to fast so I now have to make her eat by force feeding her and stretching out her tummy. I am bound and determined to not have to use formula this time.
I mean this is what i was made for. to be a mom and to nurse my children not give them man made milk. why is it that I can't seem to accomplish this one little task? I seem to have been very cranky today cause of all the let downs that have happened in the last two days, but my hubby doesn't get it so he just gets upset cause I am "being pissy" . why can't he understand that I keep getting my hopes dashed about being a mom, like I have always wanted to be. maybe my image of motherhood is just not realistic or to high of a standard for myself? I have always imagend my life as an adult and it's not coming out the way I pictured it. I pictured my husband having a 6am-5pm job and I would have supper ready for him when he got home. my kids would listen and behave and not throw a temper tantrum every 5 min. I would have easy labors and pergnancys and I would just nurse perfectly . but that is not the way it has happened. my husband has worked mostly nights and is almost always home. my kids are monster's , my pregnancy and Labor's have been anything but easy and they always end up having problems with nursing......... why did I have to read so much as a kid???? well. I'm back. again. just gave birth to baby number 3 about 2 days ago . I finally got to have my home birth with a full term baby. she was 7 LBS 1 oz and 20 inches long. no problems. now just have to get the family and life together again.
having a home birth was always what I wanted to do. from the first time I got pregnant. and I ended up in the hospital with both of my other children. I was devastated by the way my first two deliveries happened. and now after 3 years I get my way and I'm not sure what to think about it. don't get me wrong I wouldn't have changed anything about this one (other than the 2 false alarms) . I think I can honestly say that I will go this way again. being able to be home, eat, drink when I needed to was so much more relaxed than the other. but at the same time it wasn't what I had played out in my head. and I don't mean that in a bad way. I guess I fooled myself into thinking that it wasn't going to hurt as bad. and really once the Labor started the only thing that was different was that I had the ability to use my muscles in my legs differently by sitting on the birth stool than before laying down in the hospital bed. my stomach and chest and back don't hurt like before. it's all just in my legs and rump that hurt and it's not a bad hurt it's more of a really hard work out kind of pain. baby girl was able to start eating right away, no one was there to take her away from me. instead they were there to help if I needed them. well I guess I need to try and sleep a bit before she feeds again. I'll try to get on more about this later. |
AuthorI am a mother of 4, who doesn't believe in birth control , I have been married for 6 years . I was home schooled and am homeschooling my children as well. I use homeopathic remedies rather then go to the doctor. I use essential oils and love to just be me. this is my crazy life! Archives
May 2019
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